This writing is part of the “Cycle Stories” archive by Alise Īlena.

For the past years I’ve been learning about my cycle. Recently I got the book “In the flo” by Alisa Vitti and as I was reading it, I got so hyped. But me discovering the book and then the “Cycle Stories” project coincided with me losing my cycle. 

I had a copper IUD for years, and then I took it out. I had just one bleed after and then it disappeared for at least three months. I always had a monthly bleed with IUD, but now I think it might have been artificial, caused by contraception, and not by my natural cycle. I also had very strong PMS experiences both mentally and physically and I think it was caused by the IUD as well.

Around that same time I discovered that I have Graves’ disease – an autoimmune condition that makes my thyroid gland work too fast. It runs in my family, my grandmother had it, her mom had it as well, and I believe it has something to do with the story of my female lineage. 

Now for the past months I’m working on restoring my hormonal balance together with my holistic doctor. We’re working with diet, lifestyle and natural medication.

When I discovered “Cycle Stories” I felt like I wanted to contribute to the project, but couldn’t, because I don’t have a cycle. And I miss it! I was so excited to sync with it when I was reading “In the flo”.

In the beginning I was quite sceptical when I learned about the four seasons [the idea that four phases of the menstrual cycle can be compared to the four seasons of the year in the Northern region; you can read more about this in [Eva’s story]] Like, yeah yeah, four seasons, what a hustle.. But then I really felt excited to try and adjust my monthly activities with these seasons, and then.. I lost my cycle.

I miss my cycle but at the same time this is also an interesting time, a season in a way. And I thought that it is actually a good idea to write about this process I’m going through. I often feel disoriented without my cycle. But there’s still a lot of things happening in my body, my body is healing and I hope to find my cycle again. And I’m excited about finding it back, like having my first period again!”. The following paragraphs are the notes I was taking while reuniting with my cycle.

---

Last week, after 3 months of not bleeding, I menstruated again.

In Dutch we call the state of menstruating to be “ongesteld”, but I want to change this word into “goedgesteld”. “Ongesteld” literally means “not well-set” or “not in a good state.” The phrase “Ik ben op jou gesteld” means “I care about you”. So when I say, “Ik ben ongesteld” – “I am menstruating” – the meaning of these words could be interpreted as: “I don’t care about myself”. I read more about this word and learned that the term “ongesteld” is a euphemism – a milder or more polite expression used to describe something unpleasant. “The purpose of a euphemism is to soften the impact of difficult, shocking, or awkward topics and make them sound less harsh”, Chatgpt explains. So how on earth menstruation became a difficult, shocking and awkward topic?

I observe cramps in my womb. “PMS-symptoms”, premenstrual syndrome. Again, a word we shouldn’t be using in a context of menstruation, in my opinion.

I’m happy to observe these cramps because I hope to menstruate again in a few days. For me to menstruate means to have an anchorpoint. To know where I am in my cycle means to have a greater awareness of my body, being able to give it the appropriate care.

“Ah, this is why I feel …. right now”, or: “Today let’s not do any heavy sports, but let’s move calmly”. When I didn’t menstruate the past months I didn’t know where I was in my cycle. I lost the sense of knowing when to slow down, so I think I just kept running.

Somewhere it felt like all my inner emotions and baggage just accumulated inside of me whilst not bleeding for 3 months. There’s an association of decompression I have when thinking about menstruating, with the blood that flows out. This blood carries so much in it. 

Writing this all out literally feels so fertile to me.